Loved in My Brokenness
I was 4 years old when my dad left my mom, brother and me. My freshman year of college I finally admitted that the absence of my dad had deeply wounded me. I had panic attacks every day and high anxiety which I and others called spiritual warfare.
I called out to God only to hear my own voice bounce off the ceiling. It felt as if he wasn’t there and was choosing not to be. At the end of my freshman year I went home looking for an answer. By that time I opened wide to the fact that I had and have father wounds and I saw God how I saw my dad.
For the next 3 years I confronted the pain, saw a counselor, learned that God is a loving father who “likes me and loves me” in the words of Brennan Manning, and confronted my dad. His presence was in my life every other weekend and only physically. Being vulnerable with him was scary and hard. But it led to healing.
At first I was angry with him and we didn’t talk for a while. Then I chose to forgive. How can you forgive someone if you can’t admit they have wronged you? After forgiving my dad our relationship became more transparent. He has suffered with mental illness all of my life and I finally felt safe to talk with him about it.
In 2012 he committed himself to the hospital because of suicidal thoughts. It was then that I confronted him with the truth of the gospel. A few months later he decided to go to church again and shortly after rededicated his life to Christ.
Our relationship is still in process, I still have anxiety, and I have to fight to live in grace daily. The difference is the peace, joy and confidence I have today in my brokenness.
It’s okay to be broken and in process, because I am justified by Christ. It’s good to be in a healing process and to be real with the ones you love. I count myself blessed beyond my understanding for the trials I have went through, for each one has made me more open to Jesus and refined my character. So, believer, take comfort in this: He sees you, He will never leave you and He does make all things work together for your good and for His glory.