After Trying to Ignore
I have lived with some form of chronic pain since I was 5. In kindergarten I started getting migraines and I remember the doctors saying something about me being too stressed….um, I was 5 and did not have a super stressful childhood. When I was 19 (on my birthday actually) I fell out of my loft in my dorm room while sleeping- great birthday present. (And, no, rails were not required on lofts back then.) When I was about 25 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after many tests and thinking I just had mono for a second time since I was always exhausted no matter how long I slept.
I have gotten really good over the years at ignoring all of these things and pretending they really don’t affect my day to day life…
until the last year or so as they have gotten harder to ignore.
I am a special education teacher and my job consists of me spending my days dealing with kids who have some difficult behaviors. Therefore, it’s not a real low stress job. My fibromyalgia, migraines, and back pain are all highly affected and made worse by stress. Every article I read on help for fibromyalgia suggests a flexible schedule and taking time when stressed…my kids don’t quite allow that and my life doesn’t allow me to only work part time. Over the years, I have been to many different doctors, chiropractors, neurologists, and specialists and have gone through a wide variety of treatments and therapies. I am used to the now familiar doctor look where they put their hand to their chin, scrunch their eyebrows and say, “hmm…I’m not sure why this treatment isn’t working for you” or “I don’t understand why that is happening to you” and, my favorite, “let me do some research and get back to you.” I am glad to be able to help the medical field gain education and insight and yet still not know what to do with this medical mystery that I seem to be.
Living with pain that no one can see can be very difficult.
I am a single, independent woman that can easily fall into the trap of thinking I can do this all myself…or that I have to do this by myself. God has taught me that sometimes I have to sit at home on my couch and do nothing and that’s ok and it’s not just being lazy (this is still hard for me). People around me may never fully understand that some days, even though I look fine, I feel like there is fire in my veins and I just want to crawl in a hole. That can cause some lonely and dark days, but God reminds me that He is there and He understands. God is teaching me that, even though it’s hard and I have to get rid of that pride, I need to reach out in those hard times and be open about them when I need some extra love and support. Most of all, God continues to teach me that I need Him most of all. I don’t know that God will ever take the pain away or change my life situation to make things a little easier on this earth, but I do know that God promises that I can trust in Him and that ultimately, this pain will be taken away. And I can put complete hope in that!
Revelation 21:4 – He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.