It’s Here Where I Have a Choice to Make

How do you live in world that has cultured people who want you to fail so they can feel better than you and inflate their own self-worth?

You have problems? Let’s fix them! Everyone likes being a part of a success story!

But you can’t cure depression. You can’t cure anxiety and stress. You can’t cure doubt.

This is my life, mixed in with a history of injuries, deteriorating physical health, and sometimes unending pain.

The human tendency would be to try to escape.

As musician, I have a clear view of why people like me have a higher tendency to abuse drugs, alcohol, and other crutches to free their minds from their troubles.

For me, it was alcohol and generic painkillers. Nothing extraneous, but enough to take my mind off the mental and physical pressures of the world.

Along with this, when I became increasingly ticked-off of at our me-first, results-oriented culture, I nearly skipped town for Australia, to just start a new life in a place that I respect for its celebration of community and culture.

Eventually, I was able to get myself out of a “rock and roll” lifestyle that probably would have killed me. I now have a stable job and life, and I try to be a normal contributor to society. I’ve been better at proactively control the triggers of my duress. I’ve found that usually the easiest option is likely never the best.

Or I can get out and truly live life, thanking God for another day, another chance to live out a life in a world that needs me but wasn’t made for just me.

But, even though I’m at peace with myself, past and present, I’m still viewed as not good enough. I still can’t quite match the shade of beige that is expected of me.

And still, each day when I wake up, there’s usually some sort of pain or soreness somewhere in my body to greet me. Its location usually varies each day (knees, back, neck, head, etc.). It’s an abrupt reminder that the day is going to be just as or even more difficult as the last on my body, mind, and soul.

It’s here where I have a choice to make: I can either remain in the closed-in comfort of my bed, that small kingdom that I rule, under the warm blankets that protect me from the world outside that I cannot control, with nothing or no one else to worry about… Or I can get out and truly live life, thanking God for another day, another chance to live out a life in a world that needs me but wasn’t made for just me.

Tim Laberge

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Categories: Stories